To celebrate the start of 2009, I went for an early morning walk on the beach. I was hoping to catch a few minutes alone to reflect on the year gone by and to look ahead to the coming months. The sun was just coming up and there were some other people also enjoying the morning. What was most noticeable however, was the collection of birds both in the water and on the sand. The birds appeared to be having what my children and I have coined, “a bird convention”. I noticed several different conventions as I walked along. Each convention was slightly different. There were a variety of birds in each group.  The differences in species did not seem to cause a problem to any of the birds. For the most part, the conventions were comprised of pelicans and seagulls. While the birds were gathered together, they all seemed to be doing their own thing. Some were eating while others were singing and still others just stood still and took in the beauty of the morning. No one bird was bothered by what the others next to them were doing. Suddenly, one of the birds would take off and all the others followed. They landed somewhere else down the beach and proceeded to do their own thing again. I found this behavior puzzling and yet perfect.The birds exemplified the essence of existing within a group without worrying about what their neighbor was doing. They were able to cohabit peacefully (or at least for the hour that I was on the beach).  If the birds can do it why can’t we?If we as a community can stop worrying about what the person next to us is doing, wearing or saying, it would be easier to focus on what we are trying to accomplish. It sounds simple and yet many of us struggle with that concept. Why do we allow our self-confidence, our self-esteem and self-worth to be assessed based on other’s opinions? Allowing other’s opinions to regulate our value is giving away the very freedom that most people spend a lifetime trying to acquire!!!I am not suggesting that we completely disregard what others’ think. The give and take within relationships is what bolsters our community and our growth. However, it is also important to build ourselves from within; that is where self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem develop. A strong individual is better able to help her neighbor and the community at large.So this year, I suggest we take a lesson from the bird conventions. Let’s learn to grow from the inside out. As we focus on our own growth without concerning ourselves with gaining approval from others, we will be better equipped to help our families, our neighbors, our community and our world. We will be able to rely on and assist each from a position of strength rather than vulnerability.

My Brain on Overload

Do you ever wake up in the morning with your mind racing about the millions of things that need to get done? Well, the holiday season is upon us and I confess that my mind is constantly running. There are work considerations, daily family obligations, holiday shopping and the list goes on. Sometimes the thought of all that has to be done is more overwhelming then each task itself. It is almost like the hard drive on your computer that is full. You go to save a document and the error message comes up to say that there is not enough space left to save your hours of recently completed work.That is exactly what happened to me the other day. I knew that I had several choices; about my computer that is. I could print the document and have a hard copy, I could find a new hard drive, I could use my kids’ computer, or I could delete unnecessary information and free up space in my existing hard drive.That is when it occurred to me that the hard drive on my computer is similar to my brain. When my brain is filled up with numerous ‘files’ of information, it can no longer process and save the information. Unlike a computer, I don’t have the choice of going out and getting a new brain. I can’t even download the information onto another brain. I need to ‘delete’ the unnecessary information to make room for the new.The process of weeding through the ‘files’ in my brain is similar to compressing and eliminating files from the computer. By prioritizing my tasks, writing down things that I need to remember and generally ridding myself of things that I cannot control my brain is better able to process what does need to get done. I can now work more efficiently.So the next time you feel yourself going into overload, remember you have some choices. Clean up the ‘files’ you have stored in your brain and start prioritizing what you must get done, what you need to get done and what is just extra information. You will be amazed at the increased processing speed which translates to a more peaceful and calm life!

May 18, 2008 I have been fortunate to have had many wonderful female role models in my life. One particular woman who has always left me in awe is an aunt of mine. She married into my mother’s family and took it on as her own. She managed to do that without letting go of the ties with her own family which in traditional India is a difficult thing to do. There are many aspects of my aunt’s persona that I admire and would love to emulate. I was lucky enough to be able to spend a lot of time with my aunt and uncle as I was growing up and also as an adult. I would frequently spend part or all of my holidays with them both with and without the rest of my family. Each time I would visit, I blended right into the daily routine. This routine was quite structured as my aunt was quite structured in her ways. She never worked outside the home and she was totally devoted to my uncle (who has since passed on). Everyday my aunt would be up before the rest of the house and she would clean the apartment, get my uncle’s breakfast ready and lay out his clothes. She shopped for food daily and would spend much of her day planning meals, cooking, washing clothes and cleaning. She still found some time to sit down and rest albeit for a few minutes. She never seemed to get tired.My job in the daily routine was to lay the table. Even if there were only two of us at the meal, the table had to be laid. There was always a pretty tablecloth, napkins, all the cutlery, glasses, cups etc. The table looked as if there were people coming for a special meal. This was true for all the main meals as well as for afternoon tea. When I wasn’t staying with my aunt and uncle, my aunt would lay the table.Once, I asked my aunt how she managed to attend to all these details day after day and not get tired. Her answer was quite simple. She took pleasure in each and every thing that she did. If she was ironing a shirt, washing dishes, cooking a meal or even laying a table, she strived to do her best. She poured her love for the activity and the people that would benefit from it into each task. The love and energy that flowed into each task that my aunt completed showed up in the harmony of the household and the peace that pervaded the space. It seems so simple and yet many of us rarely focus on the task at hand. We are always so interested in what is coming next and how we will manage whatever we have left on our lists of life. The simple act of being present in each and every moment results in a beautiful table setting. We are then free to enjoy the tastiness of life in each and every morsel. 

April 26, 2008           I have always been someone who makes lists and gets great pleasure out of checking off all the things that I have accomplished. I have even been known to write the most mundane items on my list just so I could have the satisfaction of checking them off. Well, I learned one of life’s most important lessons from my checklist.          Everyday, I would make a new list. Frequently laundry would be at the top of my list. I was trying to figure out why I put laundry on the list at all. With two young children, I knew I had lots of laundry to do and I certainly wouldn’t forget to do it. I realized that I simply enjoyed the thrill of checking it off the list. Well, I quickly realized that my laundry never gets done. Just when I think I have finished every piece of clothing in the laundry bin, someone comes by and drops in another item!The harder I tried to finish the laundry, the more clothes would appear in the bin. I couldn’t ever seem to get it done. Finally, I gave up. What was the point of rushing to get the laundry done if it was never finished? And what use was it to put laundry on my list, if I never finished it?Instead of trying to finish the laundry, I decided to enjoy doing the laundry. I started focusing on the fact that I was giving my family a gift of clean clothes and I focused on folding the clothes with love instead of hurry. The interesting thing was that I enjoyed doing the laundry more and I actually finished it faster. It was no longer a chore for me.You can never get it all completed. So why even try to go for completion. Aim for the enjoyment in the process. Life is not meant to be a checklist of things to get done.  Life is meant to be fun. There will always be more to do; more to clean, more clothes to wash, more bills to pay, more food to cook, more dishes to wash, more work to be completed. Try to enjoy what you are doing as you do it. You will accomplish more and have fun while you are doing it.

March 26, 2008 In the part of India where I am from, Gujarat, we make fresh bread for every meal. The bread is cooked on the stove and puffed up like a ball. It is round, thinner than a tortilla and very light in taste. Even though I grew up in the United States, we ate these rotlis every night for dinner. As a woman, it was expected that I would cook dinner and make rotlis for my family. Well, if you have ever tried to turn flour into dough and then roll little balls of it into perfect round circles and then cook them twice times 25 for a family of four you would understand that it can be overwhelming. To make matters worse, my family focused on education more than learning how to cook. So, I was a grown, almost married woman before I was faced with the daunting task of rolling rotlis. Needless to say it was stress provoking and damaging to my self esteem! I did eventually learn how to roll reasonable rotlis. I also learned how to avoid making them, getting my mother-in-law to make them, buy them etc. Now, as a mother, I find myself making them several times a week and my kids actually prefer mine to anyone else’s! In fact, I actually find it relaxing. By surrendering to the fact that this is something I am choosing to do, I have actually started enjoying the process. Rolling out rotlis has almost become like a meditation to me. I love standing by the stove and moving my rolling pin across the marble slab that my mother and ayah used to make rotlis for me. By relaxing into the process, I have been able to overcome the stress that I initially felt and replace it with a sense of peace.By relaxing into those routine tasks that we may find daunting, cumbersome or even overwhelming, we can start to enjoy them. Start recognizing that your routine tasks are things that you choose to do and start having fun with them. Turn them into a meditative process and see how quickly and easily the work gets done. You might end up enjoying yourself and carving out a little extra time for yourself afterwards. Imagine that!  

I was driving the other morning and listening to a radio commentary on telling the truth. Is it ever okay to tell a lie? When we keep certain truths from our children in order to protect them, are we really doing the right thing? I usually recommend telling children the truth. There are many questions that children ask us that we may be uncomfortable about answering. I find that a truthful and concise answer is usually the best. You can always tell when your child has heard enough. Their eyes will gloss over or they will start to tune out. That is your signal to stop. Our children can handle a lot more than we generally believe. By telling them the truth to the extent that they can understand it, we can teach them and help them build trust in their relationship with us. When a relative is diagnosed with cancer or another illness, when someone is hospitalized, or classmates are using language that the kids don’t understand, they want to know what it all means. As adults, we demand that our children tell us the truth. Don’t we owe them the truth in return? If our best teaching is in the behavior we model, we must also tell the truth. The difference will be in how much information we give. A two year old child will not understand as much as a six year old, a twelve year old or an eighteen year old. As parents, we need to ascertain how much our child can handle and give a truthful response within those boundaries. One of the greatest gifts my mother gave to me before she passed away was the truth. I was fourteen and my mother discovered that she had either two weeks or two months to live. My mother sat down with me and explained the details of her illness and how she had little time left. She used words that I could understand and answered all my questions. She also explained that she wanted to be the one to tell me about her situation so that I would not surprised by anything and that I would have time to prepare. She wanted me to know how much she trusted me to understand the truth. She died two weeks later having taught me one of the most important lessons I would ever learn; the value of being honest with your children even under the most upsetting of circumstances.

I tend to think of myself as a shy person. I am not usually one to go up to someone at a playground, event or really anywhere and strike up a conversation. So, the story of how I ended up having a blog on this website is quite amazing to me.

About six years ago I was vacationing at South Seas Plantation with my husband and 2 children. The kids were 6 & 7 at the time and we were looking for a quiet and quick getaway weekend. One day, I was at the swimming pool with both my kids. There was a woman there with her daughter. The daughter looked to be close in age to my two and the kids somehow engaged in play as children often do. Well, I started talking to the woman and somehow the conversation turned to schools. She asked a lot of questions about where my kids were in school, did I like it? What was the transition like? Etc. Turns out that she, her husband and two children were also vacationing there. I really enjoyed speaking with her and looked to find her again on our trips to the pool. I never saw her there again.

About two years ago, I found myself in the Everglades on an overnight field trip with my son, his roughly 175 4^th grade buddies and probably another 100 parents. At night we were finishing dinner and getting ready for story time. I noticed a boy walk off into the darkness by himself. I walked over to make sure he was alright. A woman came out of nowhere and immediately went to him. She looked strangely familiar but I didn’t recognize them at all. The next day at lunch I was sitting with a group of mothers at a picnic table. At the far end of my table was that same woman. I couldn’t help staring at her. I noticed her staring at me! Finally, she broke the ice by saying that I looked familiar to her. Well, the woman turned out to be the same one from South Seas Plantation and her name - Sue Memminger.

I didn’t see Sue again after that until our daughters were celebrating the end of school at a park. I ran into her again and we started chatting about school, teachers, stress, the nature of life…

Since then, we have discovered many different parallels in our life; the greatest one being our love of children and wanting to do what is best for them.

So here I am today, writing a blog on the Child Connections website based on a connection that was made six years ago in a swimming pool!

Life has a funny way of leading you to where you need to be. You never know where the stream of life will take you. If you trust in it, you will always be in the right place at the right time!